It’s opposites week at Works for Me Wednesday! Rather than offering up tips, bloggers are seeking answers.
So here’s my question: How do you make friends? Don’t laugh; I’m serious.
We’ve moved around quite a bit over the last three years, and I haven’t made a single real connection in that time. We’ve been in our current location for a year. We go to a regular playgroup, but it’s hard to have any sort of meaningful conversation when you see someone for 45 minutes, once a week. And during those 45 minutes, you’re busy preparing snacks or rescuing small people from atop the monkey bars. We also go to church most every Sunday, and I’ve been volunteering in some of the childcare classes during services.
But I still haven’t made a friend.
Is there a trick to this? Do I smell funny? Help me out, folks. Any advice would be welcome.
Well, you know I don’t have any ideas, because we have the same problem! I’m going to keep checking to see what advice you get!
Hi there!
You’re right — it’s tough to get to know people when you’re managing the kids during a playdate. Suggest a Mom’s Night Out for the other women in your playgroup. It’s a great way to socialize without the little ones. Or check out some yahoo groups or momslikeme.com who have mom’s nights out or other playgroups.
Maybe join a volunteering group of women??
Good luck!!
http://www.barefootinhighheels.wordpress.com
It is hard to meet people when you’re out of school. I joined a book club and found some great folks through my local alumni chapter.
This is something I have struggled with before as well. Basically I learned that I was going to have to push myself out of my comfort zone and realy work towards having friends. Here are a couple of ideas that have worked for me:
1. Inviting another mom and her children over for a play time for the kids and a visiting time for the moms and then lunch together. I am careful not to plan it at naptime so there aren’t a bunch of crabby kids (I have 4 and the other ladies usually have a few too). I have also invited women without children over to join us for lunch. Usually they pitch in to help get everything on the table and enjoy being with your children too. Lunch does not have to be fancy, it can be sandwhiches, fruit and popcorn or chips.
2. Go somewhere together. If you both want to go shopping, stick the kiddos in strollers and go together. You could pack a lunch to bring along or stop for lunch somewhere. Or just go on a walk somewhere together. Many moms are wanting to get more exercise and doing it with someone else is more fun.
3. Find couples to be friends with. When my husband is/was home in the evening we would often invite other couples over for supper and maybe playing a game together. The kids can eat and play around as well. Entertaining with your spouse is nice because you aren’t totally in charge of the kids and the food (etc) all by yourself.
4. If you like scrapbooking or stamping or some other hobby of that sort, ask around and see if you can find another woman or two that likes it too. And then hopefully sometime your spouse can watch the child(ren) and you can invite them all over to do it together.
Some things that I have discovered about really developing friendships is that it really helps to let them truly be a part of your life. Meeting for play dates and attending church are great ways to meet people but if it doesn’t go any farther than just being at the same place with them to do something together without really visiting you aren’t going to form any lasting friendships. What has worked for me well is to have people in my home so they can see who I really am (and usually after you have made the first move they will also have you over to their home) and then when you are together try to go beyond surface conversation. That is where I have had to work to think about things that I can talk about and ask them about that is more than the weather or wether your baby sleeps through the night or how potty training is going. Don’t burden them with all your problems the first time you get together but also don’t try to put on a front that makes them think that you are perfect and have everything together.
My best friends are from church (which by the way I attend Sunday AM and PM and Wednesday night and I have a ladies bible study in my home all of which really help me get to know others better.) but I have also met friends at the library (in the childrens section), from organizations that I have been a part of and also neighbors. Neighbors are people that I have worked very hard to get to know. I try to figure out when new people move in (on our 1/3 mile street) so that I can take cookies or bread or something to welcome them and then we often give out May day baskets or something like that and then I try to invite them over. I like the idea of knowing neighbors because I think it is safer and also it is conveinent.
I hope all goes well for you in finding friends! By the way I just happened on your blog from Rocks in my Dryer and so I have never read your blog before and perhaps some of my suggestions don’t apply.
My friend Kelly picked me up at step class by walking up to me and asking me if I’d lost weight. I think that alone is the girl equivalent of “how you doin?”
I am in a similar situation as you are since we just moved. I think that the best way to make friends is to be bold and make the first move. Go up to someone that you think seems nice and ask them if they want to hang out. Be specific and have an idea already in mind. Don’t make it open ended like hey we should get together sometime, but say hey want to come over to my house this week. My kids are young so it is really easy to break the ice by inviting another mom and her kids over for a morning play date.
Good luck!
We move a lot too so I do have some helpful hints:
1. Pray for them. It actually works.
2. I have found that my hubby’s guy friends usually are of the same mindset as hubby and because they have the same mindset they marry women that are similar to me but not too similar to me. This means I get along great with my husband’s friend’s wives. Because of this if my husband hits it off with someone at work or church I can basically guarantee that I have a friendship coming my way.
I’m going to second some of the advice that you’ve already received – that sometimes you really need to be the person to make the first move. This is one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned from my friend, Heather – she sets up lunch plans and evening meals with people all the time, to move beyond just acquaintances.
The only other piece of advice I have, is to focus more on being a friend than trying to get one. Ask people about themselves and get to know them, and you’ll often find that they’ll get to know you in return.
Like the others above said, if you figure out the secret to this will you let me know? Though I think you’ve got some good ideas in the comments there. I’ve had the same problem since we’ve moved here. I even felt rebuffed by the women at my work in terms of making friendships, though work relationships are fine.
I was lucky that a friend of mine from high school lives in SF and she was in a book club and invited me to join. I’ve met a couple nice ladies that way, though since they live in the city, I wouldn’t say they’re close friends.
I know I need to put myself out there, but I’m not really good at that. It’s much harder when you’re out of school.
One thing I use to keep from getting to sad about this is keeping in touch with my old friends. I may not get to see them much, but talking on the phone and e-mailing still helps fill the friendship void for me. And they come visit from time to time (we try to do the same).
It would still be nice to have friends to hang out with on a regular basis like back in grad school.
Food. Food is key. Everyone eats. And they would love to do it with you. As I recall, you’re a lovely person to eat with. Find a restaurant you like. Invite someone to lunch (on a Saturday so Rockford can watch the kiddos). Eat lunch. Go away happy and thoroughly socialized.
I think making friends must be like dating, a practice at which some of us have almost zero practice. Think about how you made friends before. Seems kind of magical doesn’t it. Hard to capture the magic again. But I’m pretty sure that good food is magical.
And movies. Isn’t that how we became friends? “Strange Brew”. What a crazy catalyst that turned out to be.
Have you looked to see if there’s a MOMS club in your area? Or a stay-at-home moms group on meetup.com? The MOMS Club here saved my sanity when we moved to Liberty and I knew NO ONE. I have made so many friends though the group, many of whom I talk with on a daily basis now. It’s hard to get out there and do it, but I think you’ll be thankful you did if you find a group. Most have activities more often than once a week for 45 minutes, so you get a chance to know people a little better.
I have to laugh at the comparison of making friends to dating. When we moved I often joked with Bethany that I should make up cards to hand out to other moms I met at places like Target and McDonalds. Much easier than writing my name and number on a napkin or scrap of paper I dug out of the bottom of my purse. I was starting to feel like I was picking up moms kind of like you might pick up a guy in a bar:)
Good luck and hang in there:)
Thank you all for your input and suggestions. I know that I need to just put myself out there and invite people over, out to lunch, etc. I still can’t imagine actually doing that, though. I have a pretty strong fear of rejection.
Wouldn’t it be nice if there were a Match.com for moms?
Definitely pray!
Are you in a small group at a church? If so, look for a friend there.
I joined a ladies bible study at my last church and made a ton of stay at home mom friends.
Some of the best friend relationships I have had came from one friend introducing me to another friend. Watch for those.
Also…..be a little agressive……don’t be shy when you get around people. Speak up….say hi…..ask questions….make that connection.
Feels weird…but it works.
Good luck!
Go to a sports party where the ladies try to make a cheerleading pyramid in the kitchen while ignoring the game and then strike up a conversation about Jeff Tweedy and music and concerts…wait, that’s how we met isn’t it?
Well I currently have three friends in Chicago (including Joe) and I knew them all before I moved here. I did email someone randomly today that I met at church on Sunday. It was my attempt to make friends with a stranger…keep your fingers crossed. She seemed nice and was a newlywed, too. That’s all I know. Small group is really how I made friends in Columbia so I’m hoping to get involved in one here, too. We’ll see.
And don’t forget – make new friends but keep the old…
No laughs from me, I get what you mean! We were in the army, moved then moved again. Thank God my husband is my best friend but really I said aloud more than once, I could use a girlfriend.
I was given the tip to pray for a Christian girlfirend and it does work. We’re involved in our church, not just attending, but in the sunday school class, choir and extra events. You’ll start to see the same thread of people that are involved and you’ll know you’ve got a commonality to jump start the talk.
Blogging has been a really great form of fellowship for me. I’ve found a lot of women online that I don’t think I’d ever have met out in the world.
Blessings, Whitney
Tell me about it. Moving sucks for this very reason. It takes a few years to make really good friends I think and then, if you’re me, you’re up and too another city/state/country. I don’t think there is a secret. Your commenters all have good ideas, but I reckon it really comes down to time. And maybe staying in the same place for a while. I’m hoping to try the latter this time around.
What about hosting a little party or barbeque? A kind of meet and greet. Bet that would help. If you’re up for it that is.
I don’t think I’ll be able to muster up the courage to host a party, but I did invite someone over for lunch! Now, we’ll see if she says yes.
Match.com for moms…hmmm…mommymatcher.com? I think I could whip up an LLC for that and you could be rich. Then you’d have a bunch of friends.
How could she not say yes? Does she need references? I can email her and tell her the food will definitely be awesome, and the conversation might even top that.
I was going to suggest MOMS Club, and someone already did. It’s been a great thing for me. But the main thing I’ve noticed about finding friends is that I have to try out several different groups to find one that works for me. There seems to be no way to find out who you’re going to “click” with other than spending a little time with them. And you can’t predict it from what kind of group it is, either. The MOMS Club in your area might be full of people who would bore me silly.
Other suggestions:
Look in Yahoo groups and Google groups for “playgroups”.
Google “Playgroup.” That’s how I found MOMS Club, and there were several other choices as well.
See if your library has any activities or groups that sound interesting to you.
Good luck!