I don’t think I would’ve believed you on Saturday morning if you told me that Rockford and the kids would be spending five hours that night sometimes-sleeping in the car in the hospital parking lot.

I wasn’t feeling especially terrific on Saturday morning, but I figured it was just because of the monthly lady cramps. Monthly lady cramps aren’t lollipops and kitten tails, but they’re also not hospitalization material. A little Aleve and a heating pad, and I’m mostly at peace with the world.

By the time 5pm rolled around, though, I was starting to think I was dealing with something more than monthly lady cramps. I tried Aleve. I tried a heating pad. I tried an ice pack. And nothing was helping. The pain was all on the lower left part of my abdomen, wrapping from front to back, and at 11pm I was crying on the bathroom floor. Just like every good Saturday night, amIright? (No, that is certainly not right, and — I say this from a place of love and friendship — if that’s the way you spend every Saturday night you might want to reevaluate some of your habits.)

And so it was that I found myself at the ER at 1 o’clock Sunday morning. Five hours; a urine analysis; a couple of blood tests; a CT scan; a bag of IV fluid; some intravenous pain medication; and a mighty bout with nausea later, I was back home with a diagnosis of a “medium-sized” kidney stone (which was what had prompted me to cry in the bathroom floor) and a “rather large” gallstone (which isn’t currently causing any trouble); a few prescriptions; and a list of things I should avoid eating.

You guys, there are so many things on that list of things not to eat. My favorite things. Cheese, chocolate, avocados, coconut. It made me sad, but writhing around in pain makes me sadder. So while the weekly menu plan might not change all that much — although I guess I will be saying farewell to lasagna and coconut curries and other such delicacies — my snacking options are going to have to change.

Monday: Mongolian beef

I’m supposed to have no more than 6 ounces of meat daily. A veggie-loaded stir-fry should make that pretty simple.

Tuesday: Pineapple-glazed salmon

We picked up some Charred Pineapple Relish at Harry & David’s over the weekend. I think it’ll be great on salmon. I’ll let you know if it works.

Wednesday: out? ordering in?

I have no idea how long this kidney stone thing is going to take, so I may have Rockford pick something up for dinner.

Thursday: Jerk pork tenderloin

I’m going to put the pineapple relish on this, too.

Friday: Pizza, maybe

We had plans for the weekend, but the kidney stone kind of has things up in the air right now. So I’m not sure about Friday yet.

In conclusion: My husband is a rock star, AND drink lots and lots and lots of water, because this has been a very unpleasant thing and I’d rather you didn’t have to experience it first-hand.

Completely off-topic, but have you entered to win my Seattle’s Best “Hot Iced” gift set? You should!