I don’t remember the first time I saw Perry Mason, but I do remember very clearly how I felt when I found out that he was, in fact, a He. I was staying with our neighbors when he was born, and their dad broke the news. “You have a brother!” he said. First, I refused to believe it. And then I was horrified.

We didn’t get along very well when we were growing up — there was the time I put him in the dryer, for example, and he got mad because I wouldn’t let him pad it with towels first; the time he threw a giant metal hairdryer at my head; the time I made him drink soup made entirely of water and a variety of spices; and the time he broke my finger because I wouldn’t let him watch wrasslin’ — but now he’s one of my favorite people in all the world. But don’t tell him I said so.

Who’s your favorite sister? Discuss.

Whoopi Goldberg. She was all that and a bag of chips as Oda Mae Brown.

Where do you envision yourself in 10 years?

Practicing law and hopefully living on some acreage outside of town with a couple of kids and my darling wife, all with less debt than I have today.

When you were a teenager, you insisted that “Armageddon” was the “best movie ever.” Do you stand by that statement?

Why or why not? Also, what was up with that “Teen Wolf” obsession?

You’ve long insisted that I made this insistence, but I think I probably made this statement once and you clung to it. When I was a teenager, every movie I saw was the best movie ever. That said, this bad boy featured Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thornton, The Affleck, Liv Tyler, Steve Buscemi, Owen Wilson, Michael Clarke Duncan, etc. It couldn’t have been as bad as you try to make it out to be. Finally, you’ll never hear a better rendition of “Leavin’ on a Jet Plane.” Buscemi and Duncan need to start a band.

Re: Teen Wolf. We did not have a large collection of VHS tapes. This was one of them. I watched it a lot. And Michael J. Fox turns into a werewolf, and then his dad does too. And then they surf on a van and play basketball.

You find a box stuffed full of hundred dollar bills on the side of the road. What do you do?

I look for identifying information. If I find none, I make an anonymous post on craigslist stating that I found some money on the side of X street and anyone looking for it can e-mail me about it. The first person to identify the correct amount and packaging takes it home. If no one gets it right in the first month, I’d use it to buy a furnace.

What was your first job? How old were you, and how long did you work there? Did you like it?

My first job was as a burger flipper at Mickey D’s. I worked there for about three years, and I loved every minute of it. It just might be my favorite job ever.

What’s your most vivid childhood memory?

Every summer, Dad would drive down from Michigan to pick us up to spend the summer with him. The summer of my 9th or 10th birthday, I’d gone up to the playground at the elementary school near Mom’s house (which is now completely filled with trailers, sad) on the day he was coming to get us. He showed up when I was still at the playground, and he drove up there. And he had my birthday present with him. And it was a mountain bike with bright orange front shocks. I rode it around a little, and then he drove back to moms. He let me ride my bike behind him. It was awesome. (I have a terrible memory, so I might have the timeline wrong here).

And then there was that time you and I were walking home from school and we saw a mouse. You told me not to pick it up because it would bite me. So I picked it up and it bit me. Then you told me I had rabies. I ran home and told mom (through tears) that I had raisons, or razors, or something that started with an “r” but whatever it was called was going to result in my inevitable death. Despite my peaceful urgings, she would not take me to the hospital. I retired to my room to spend my last minutes on earth with my sweet stuffed dog Barney and was surprised when I woke up the next morning still alive. You were such a nice sister.